Other
Humor
- One Liners:
Rodney Dangerfields:
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have
had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me
the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. I went over. Nobody was
home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants
to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel
.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I
saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said "Because you came home
early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this
morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and
the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I could tell my parents
hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
7. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
8. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
9. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
10. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
11. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
12. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
13. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
15. I w ent to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
16. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
17. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
18. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
19. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
7. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
8. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
9. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
10. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
11. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
12. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
13. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
15. I w ent to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
16. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
17. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
18. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
19. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
- "Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."
"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."
"My wife doesn't know what she wants."
"You're lucky. My wife does."
Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn't want to wake the children?
"What do use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."
"I heard you missed school yesterday."
"Not a bit."
My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe.
I have no objections - I let her talk.
Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
Success is a relative term - It brings so many relatives!
Your future depends on your dreams - So go to sleep!
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The family that sticks together should bathe more often.
If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you.
A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you've been brought here for drinking.
Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?