Other
Ramblings:
This page is dedicated to
various odd
thoughts and stories and other ideas that pop into my head which have
no other logical place to reside. I place them here for my own
entertainment and am making no attempt to entertain, pursuade, or
educate the public at large. Many of these ramblings will likely have
no meaning to anybody but myself. Many are just wacky exctracts from
emails that just struck me as humorous and I wanted to preserve them. I
chose the term ramblings over musings as musings would imply a
deep level of thought which is admittedly missing from this page.
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Current scientific mumbo jumbo suggests that IQ score is mostly a result of
environmental factors rather than heredity. That is based on studies of
biological twins that were raised in different economic conditions
(there must be billions of those). A study of one such pair has one
sibling being educated in the best private schools and an army of
private tutors while the other was raised in a dark closet by parents
that resembled giant hungry lizards. The first sibling scored an
amazing 125 while the other pooped on the test and hid under the table.
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My family hid my sister in the basement behind a heavy beamed wooden
and thrice padlocked door. There was a small slot to feed her through.
She would only eat things that were alive. Mostly cats and mice and
bugs and whatever varmints we could find. She’d spit the
bone fragments out the little slot. We suspected she had dug a hole through
the concrete walls with her fingernails and teeth to escape at night
after neighborhood children started disappearing but we were too
frightened to open the door and look.
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In response to a
"put our heads together" comment...
If we put all our
heads together we would have a large pile of heads.
While that would be impressive to some I think others may find it
difficult to perform that way.
Thanks for evoking that image, I honestly had not thought of it, but I
personally find the prospect of performing with a large pile of heads
impressive enough to overcome the difficulty.
YAH, and we could light them on fire!!!
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In response to a time request...
Unfortunately I will be searching for a secret plateau in the jungles of Central South America
for evidence of dinosaurs living
today in a lost world overlooked by modern humanity; or possibly
something not quite as exciting as that like visiting my parents. Sorry
I wont be available.
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Chickens, following the herd instinct, will figure skate in a
tight formation but only when not being photographed.
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As the Swiss turn on their radically new and powerful super collider and
generate an explosion of unparalleled consequence I will be standing in
the mathematically perfect location to step into the new 3 dimensional
space created in its wake where I will proceed to populate the new
universe with human life.
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I will be taking an ocean going sea
voyage
searching for a mysterious giant Narwhal that has been troubling
shipping in some important shipping trade routes. Some believe it could
actually be a mechanism of marvelous cunning operated by a mad genius
deposed tyrant and his remaining citizenry but I think it’s safe
to say that is a little far fetched.
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In response to a what are you bringing to a party question...
We were thinking of bringing spitted Tibetan mountain yak seasoned with
the rare Beletus Edulis mushroom only found deep within the South American rain
forest and must be carefully prepared with the exact proportion of oil
extracted from the livers of Black Dragon fish boiled at exactly 33.5 miles above sea
level so as not to form a deadly poison. It should be presented ceremoniously
with the mysterious palm dance of the south pacific paiou paiuo tribe. The
dish is said to be best experienced when combined with Frosties from Wendys.
Response: Oh man...I had that last night!
It was either that or a can of spam and some free saltines snarfed from
the cafeteria here at work.
Response: I thought Tibetan Mountain Yak season was over.
Luckily it is very cold in the mountains of Tibet so Yak carcasses can
be obtained nearly year round so long as you don’t mind them
being already partially devoured by the Snow leopards of the Tibetan
Himalayan Plateau.
Response: I hope theres enough for seconds!
I'll save you the tail.
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I don't know why but Tibet seems to
be on my mind today. This is a
response to an email appologizing for not using a subject line on
previous emails.
Not a problem. I was in a hypnotic
trance learned from Tibetan monks
when your message came and was able to clearly see the intent of your
message. You were seeking spiritual enlightenment right? Maybe I better
read it.
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An apology for backing out of a commitment.
I'm sorry for the
inconvenience, unfortunately I will be taking part in
a scientific experiment where Caudacious molecules extracted from the
highly toxic mucous membranes of the notorious Notophthalmus Newt will
be super heated and compressed into a solid mass which could be molded
into nearly any form. The danger of altering the molecular structure to
this extreme could be the creation of a giant lizard like monster who
expresses its anger at being called from the void of nothingness by
devouring entire cities. As Im sure you are aware standard
military weapons would be useless against such a goliath forcing us to
create a female version of this monster in the hopes of coaxing it into
a gargantuan space ship which could then be launched to mars were they
could stomp around untroubled by us insect like human vermin infesting
our earthly hive. So I will be busy.
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Of course now I'm on
a Salamander kick.
In response to a
what kind of people would be at an event question...
Salamander people
with segmented eyes that can see 360 degrees and have
long sticky tongues. Don’t tick them off man their saliva is
toxic!
The reason you never
see those human fly burglars who climb up the side
of tall buildings is because the Salamander people ate them.
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A sorry I can't make it letter...
I will not be available next Thursday.
I will be working on
a project to test a new technology that will
project a multidimensional interactive holographic image of myself onto
the surface of the theoretical 10th planet in our solar system. As
I’m sure you know recent scientific discoveries estimate as many
as 11 actual planets with the 11th being the mysterious planet X which
has a very wide orbit making it previously undetectable but is believed
to be on a collision course with both the planet earth and the sun
causing a cataclysmic end to our solar system as we know it leaving
nothing but dust and a bright dot in the sky for distant solar systems
to observe. But I digress. Im referring to the theoretical 10th
planet following earth’s exact orbit only on the opposite side of
the sun. In so doing I hope to discover new life existing there and
will attempt to establish contact. Hopefully they will not view my
attempts at contact as a threat as they will now have a direct
inter-dimensional gateway in which to launch an attack that could
threaten the existence of human life on this Earth.
That being said I
just cant see any way to squeeze in a couple
hours that evening.
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Sorry I can't make
it as I am joining an expedition to the Indian
Ocean to find the mysterious fog hidden Skull island to bring back
evidence of a legendary native god in the form of a giant ape. Legend
has it the ape can be anesthetized with the juice of large red berries
found on the same island. If that doesn't work the ape is a sucker
for hot chicks. The ape is said to be enormously power with the ability
to devistate entire cities. If found we will attempt to capture and
transport it to some highly populated location where we can test the
bounds of its strength by antagonizing the creature in front of a large
crowd of foolish spectators. These spectators will be specially picked
based on thier potential for freezing in place when frightened making
them an easy meal or being flattened under a giant foot.
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Small Town News:
The small town of
Perch Carcass is in shock this morning after local resident Dick Burns
is arrested breeding cattle. "Now that just ain't right" one witness was
reported as saying. "These durn things don't come with instructions ya
know" Dick says in his defense.
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It is
commonly believed by locals that Gene Poole wasn't born. He was
spontaneously generated from dust, dog hair, and carpet particles spun
at high
speed and jolted with static electricity in the belly of an "Iron
Devil" vacuum cleaner.
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Hugh
Jass, believing himself to be the descendant of lizards is often
seen
hopping from one foot to the other in the traditional lizard dance of
his
ancestors. He can be intimidating staring at people from the side using
one
bulging eye. He wears a camouflage Speedo to complete the package but
the most
disturbing thing is what he does with his tongue which is far too
grotesque to
elaborate on here. (Shhhhh, he cleans his eye with it! Ewwwwwwwww!!!)
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Buster
Cherry has been sitting patiently. The message says for a good
time be
here at 10. And it gives him time to think about what it really means,
clowns,
jugglers, a magician, maybe a balloon artist! He really hit the
jackpot. Of all
the stalls in the world he was lucky enough to walk into this one.
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Willie
Leak usually offers the waitress an especially good tip if the
meal
comes with a massage. He is often confused by the uncomfortable silence
that
follows. He is totally serious.
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Jim
Shorts takes the message in fortune cookies absolutely seriously.
One time
his message said "The one sitting across from you is the love of your
life." It was his boss, a 350 pound man with absolutely no personality
who
until that moment he thought he hated. Jim was depressed for weeks.
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Doug Hole
suffers from a rare illness. On the eve of the full moon he
breaks into
sweats, suffers muscle gyrations, rips his clothes off, crawls around
on all
fours, and howls into the night. Or maybe thats the evening
after payday.
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According
to Ella Vader, ancient Roman records indicate the book of
Fred was
intentionally left out of the Bible as being "just too darn silly."
Constantine was reported to have nearly laughed himself off the pooper
when he
read it.
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Ivan Oder
buys vast amounts of rubber tubing from a local supplier.
Nobody
knows why.
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Sadly
unsuccessful fashion designer Brooke Trout is injured
demonstrating a
running maneuver in her new one legged body sock. Brooke issues a
statement to
her endearing public: "Please don't send flowers....I'd rather have the
cash.
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In an act
of bravery and heroism Ray Gunn runs into a building and
evacuates at
least 30 residents. Unfortunately there wasn't even the slightest
indication of
danger. The local Fire Chief is quoted as saying "That was the craziest
d@mn thing I've ever seen." Even more odd is the super hero costume Ray
donned. Made from mostly cardboard with red tights it failed to be at
all impressive.
Yelling "Suuuuuuuuuuuuuper Ray, awaaaaaaaaaay!" he rides his super
bicycle looking for more hapless victims to save.
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Sarah
Bellum believes she is really an alien transmitter. Plugged into
Google
she is busy transmitting all earths knowledge into space. Lucky for us
it will
take decades for the aliens to find information that’s any use.
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Myles
Long was born in New York California which causes much confusion
as
friends will often say "but I thought you wuz from California?" He
was raised by his would be inventor father. Following in his dads
footsteps
Myles has a few inventions to his own credit including the "ice cream
melter", "apartment dweller escape bungee", "Personal space
odor barrier", the auto wedgie, and the ever popular "human feed
bag" available in an assortment of fashionable colors.
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Sheila
Bliges favorite sport is Whack a Mole. Every year she enters the
Perch
Carcass Whack a Mole competition by lying about her age claiming she's
just
tall, fat, hairy, and has a lot of tattoos for an 11 year old. She
often
makes the first round of the finals but has never made it farther than
that.
She is known for her hot temper and has been disqualified several times
for
hurling her mallet and injuring the frightened competition.
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The
closest Pierre Le Pew has ever been to France is the posters
hanging on his
bed room wall which is located in a shed next to the barn on his ma and
pa's
highly isolated dairy farm.
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Walter
Melon is often accused of eating like a Viking. His wife says
she just
can't bring him anywhere. Last time they went out to eat he was thrown
in jail
for grabbing the waitress while calling her a "wench" and proceeding
to engage in a frenzy of food splattering and groping. The waitress is
said to
have recovered after a long shower, several hours of soap operas, and
half a
box of HoHo's. Walter however still eats like a Viking to this day but
is
forced to take his meals in the garage.
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Bill
Loney looks up to Walter and tries hard to emulate his eating
habits but
can't even fit a single turkey leg in his mouth. In a show of respect
he refers
to Walter as Spike and hops up and down excitedly and wets himself
whenever
he's around.
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Joe King
thinks a large mouth bass is an ale made especially for him.
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Rowan
Boatman likes to pick his nose. Say's "If God had wanted us to
use
Kleenex he wouldn't have given us fingers!" He's notorious around town
for
his unique talent of getting both index fingers in up to the second
knuckle. He
then dances around in a kilt singing the famous Scottish song Rowan
where's Your Trousers in a strong Scottish brogue:
I just down from the Isle of Skye
I'm no very big but I'm awful shy
All the lassies shout as I walk by,
Rowan, Where's Your Trousers?"
Let the wind blow high and the wind blow low
Through the streets in my kilt I go
All the lassies cry, "Hello!
Rowan, where's your trousers?"
I went to a fancy ball
I was afeared that I may fall
Because I nay had on trousers
I went down to London town
To have a little fun in the underground
All the Ladies turned their heads around, saying,
Rowan, where's your trousers?"
The lassies love me every one
But they must catch me if they can
You canna put the breeks on a highland man, saying,
Rowan, where's your trousers?"
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Dan Druff
believed if he ran fast enough and jumped high enough he
could ride
the hood of cars passing by on the highway. This resulted in many
injuries
especially concussions and skull fractures but Dan was a tough kid and
would
just shake it off!
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Following
in the footsteps of the late great Harry Houdini Candy Barr
perfected
the trick of escaping from work.
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Sue Flay has spent years
perfecting the art of cleaning potato chip
crumbs off
her shirt with her tongue.
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Inquiring "why not just shake
them off" will earn you a very dirty
look.
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Listening to the rain falling hard on the damaged automobile
Patty
looks out
the window in time to see a structure in the distance illuminated by a
flash of
lightning. She buttons up her clown suit and opens the door. A sudden
blast of
icy wind tearing away her red rubber nose as she stubbornly steps out
of her
clown car with her over sized clown shoes into ankle deep water.
Leaving her
ten clown friends behind she sloshes her way forward into the dark.
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Before
long she realizes she has no choice but to drop the juggling
pins,
cannon ball, Five decks of stacked playing cards, weighted dice, four
foot long
plastic hot dog, fake hand, rubber chicken, stilts, whoopee cushion,
and three
foot tall tooth brush. But nothing saddens her more than releasing the
seals
and pigeons and mice that had for the last eight years called her clown
pants
home.
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Water
running out of her bright orange plume of clown hair obscures her
vision
until she realizes it's just another one of her gags and turns it off.
The wind
is howling like poodles and she is drenched but keeps moving. It would
be
pointless now to return to the relative safety of her colorfully
painted Love
Bug defeated and worn out.
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She can
now more clearly see the building she is heading for. It is
large and
ominous looking in the dark. She can see the warm glow of orange light.
Then to
her horror she realizes where she is...McDonalds. In the strangest
possible
turn of events, after years of struggling to make her own way in the
world,
super clown Patty Melt McDonald returns home.
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In a sudden fit of matronly instinct
Olivia Lump changed her
childs Diapers.
With a look of horror on her face she exclaimed "I'll never do that
again!"
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Melody knows even though she was asked for an encore, singing "Tip Toe
Through The Tulips" in a subway restroom stall doesn't count as a gig.
But
she brags about it anyway.
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Tom Tom tried cow tipping but they just didn't seem to want the money.
He
didn't mind as that was the cheapest date he's had since the circus was
in
town
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Ima Pig has a very impressive Mary Isabel Catherine Bernadette O'Brien
record collection but she doesn't listen to it. She just likes the pictures.
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Jerry Nipples is the ring leader of Perch Carcass's most famous back
yard
poodle circus. His poodles have been known to jump through hoops and
even stand
on their hind legs. And rarely do they ever doo doo during a
performance. His
circus suffered from financial problems until he started feeding his
poodles to
hungry crocodiles and giant snakes. Now he plays to a packed house.
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Iona Fingerpuppet is a not so successful fashion designer. Her latest
creation...The cow bikini and of course...The Speedo for bulls. Her
biggest
setback came when she was gored while taking measurements.
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Earl E Day can't wait to get home
each day so he can put on his video
compilation of feminine hygiene commercials.
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Stinky Fishbate was removed from the wrestling team for excessive
scratching.
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Robyn Banks likes to pose nude for the college art class. Only they
didn't
invite her. Being dragged off in cuffs by the campus police is all part
of the
ride.
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Redd Tukkas has a brilliant idea. He is
going to heat his home on nothing but personally produced methane.
First
he will store the methane in empty milk jugs. He will then store
these milk jugs in his garage. Then he will feed the gas into his
heater through a special device he devised himself out of duct tape
called the "GASket".
He likes to demonstrate the storage process to guests which is usually
the last time he ever sees them. Obviously they cannot see the
enourmous benefit his invention will have to mankind. That and it's
kind of scary when he squats on a jug and says "pull my finger.
But they do take him seriously and usually run away as he is explaining
the potenial explosive qualities of his gas.
Unfortuantely
his experiment is not working. He can't seem to produce a
high enough concentration of gas to light the pilot. And his house
smells really bad.
Einstein didn't
invent the light bulb on his first try either.
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Kerry Wate often dreams of pearl
diving as he
sits in his tub. He will submerge himself to see how long he can stay
under. And he never ever rises quicker than his bubbles.
One time his wife walked in on him
as he was holding his breath an
especially long time. She was collecting on his life insurance when he
came up for air.
He fondly remembers the time he
thought he actually found a pearl, in
his belly button. No luck, just a compressed ball of lint. He still has
it. Never can tell when you're gonna need sumthin' like that.
It's in his stash of valuables
along with a couple bottle caps, some
string, a picture of Sandra Burnhard, a hardened ball of soap scum and
used shaving cream, a dead rodent of some sort, and chewing gum. Ifn ya
can't chew on it, it ain't worth keepin!
He likes to wear flippers around
the house. Says it makes him feel like
he is really there. Nobody knows what the heck he is talkin'
about....but he knows. "Someday Ariel, you'll be mine! You hot little
salmon! I'm just waiting for you to swim up my stream baby. It's
spawning season, YAH!
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Stan R Deviation learned he
had a unique skill while he was still very
young. He could clench his butt cheeks like a steel vise. He used to
scare the other children hanging from the monkey bars by his dairy-air
while swing his arms and legs about wildly and yelling "I'm a jelly
fish. I'm a jelly fish!
He decided he needed to use
this talent for the good of mankind. His
initial efforts at crime fighting didn't work out so well. He found as
tough as his butt was it wasn't knife proof. He has since found his
place in life with the circus amazing stunned audiences by performing
such tricks as opening bottles of pop, swinging from a trapeze, and
smothering the ape woman using nothing more than his back side and a
little sure grip.
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Being somewhat naturally
sedate but realizing he needed to get some
exercise Ben Gals developed the worlds first exercise routine dedicated
to the tongue. An unintended consequence of this was he developed an
uncontrollable tongue and face twitch. This has made him rather
unpopular at parties as all the girls think he's crudely coming on to
them and he's been punched in the face by angry boyfriends more than a
couple times. One thing has lead to another and now he's in the process
of developing the worlds first tongue based marshal art. Its a fairly
pacifist style though. It grosses ones opponent out and generates
reactions like "get that d@mn thing away from me!
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Paul Bearer earns cigarettes
carving shanks out of soap for the other
inmates. One time he dropped a bar. Ten inmates died in the stampede.
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Whenever Tom Toe is really
angry he sucks his tummy in with all his
strength believing he will implode creating a singularity and thusly
destroying the earth. It hasn't worked yet but he's confident one day
it will and he'll show us! He'll show us all and that will be the last
time anybody laughs at him and his salamander!
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When Al Abi heard those
inspirational words "Go west young man..." he
did, about five feet. That’s about as far as he can go without
parole.
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Whenever Dan Sing stays at a
hotel he always denies the exorbitant
video charges at checkout but is never short change for the magic
fingers.
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Ed Ible prefers his burgers
with no meat, no bun, no cheese, no pickle,
no onion, no tomato, no special sauce but he'll take a double helping
of the drive through girl!
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Always wanting to be the
first, Frank Admission married his I-wife in a
ceremony that included his hampster as best man and a reporter from
Perch Carcass Magazine to record the event.
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In a turn of events that
disappointed pimply faced geeks everywhere his
marriage was invalidated due to lack of a proper marriage license.
Unfortunately for Frank he also found out he is not the first person
from Perch Carcass to have lost his mind.
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Due to an embarrassing
childhood Barbie doll incident Gerry Mandering
has little use of his arms which makes scratching a difficult
proposition. Close friends and family call it the monkey dance. Barbies
head has never been recovered. Gerry refuses to say what happened.
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Harry Forehead is creator of
the triple decker hot dog bun. He hasn't
sold any yet but just knows they're going to catch on some day.
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In a strange twist of fate Mark
Wrong finds he now lies to the police
far more than he lies to girls.
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Willy Makeit is almost famous in Perch Carcass for his Manatee Rodeo where he dons a cowboy hat and speedo and attempts to ride a Manatee around a swimming pool. The biggest problem he faces is the naturally slow pace of the Manatee where you almost need time lapse photography to see movement.
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Annie Body was fired from Willys manatee rodeo for constantly trying to upstage Walrus Fred. Willy just couldn't stand to see the Walrus cry.
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Terry Dactle loves Manatees...with Farver beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.
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Louden Clear considers himself to be a member of the Perch Carcass royal family and guards his throne with a broad sword and aggressive bowel action.
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Mike Raffone likes dressing up as Manatee Bob to entertain children.
He sometimes wears a little red cowboy hat, a bandana, and a pair of six shooters too although shotguns, bowie knives, and pipe bombs aren't out of the question either.
He's been arrested in the school yard on numerous occasions trying just a little too hard as children fled in terror.
"Come back children!" "Manatees are herbavores!" "Little B@stards!"
Why oh why is he is so misunderstood.
Remember Manatee Bobs favorite catch phrases....
"Belch, burp, uh oh I think I'm going to throw up."
and...
"Where did my d@mn cigar go?"
and...
"Hey kid you ever see a grown Manatee bazooka barf?"
and...
"You find me a straight line osifer and I walk it for ya!"
and...
"Whats your problem?" "You never seen a Manatee hike his breeches down and wiz on a tree before?"
and...
"You think this looks dumb you should see Walrus Fred in his speedo tryin to ride me around the school yard!"
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Phil Graves is so confused over being arrested. He told the officer the only reason he had that stocking over his head at the convenience store was to make people laugh. Apparently they didn't get his desperate manatee with a habit to support imitation.
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Hugh DeMann is attracted to women that resemble manatees and apparently they are not hard to find as he now sports his own herd.
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Even though they are one and the same person Walrus Bob and Manatee Bob are fierce competitors in the realm of children’s nightmares.
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Rick O’Shea considers himself one of the great urban wild game hunters and has Manatee Bob high on his list. Just after Racoon Larry and his ex, snake girl.
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