Other

Scratch Pad

Ramblings:
This page is dedicated to various odd thoughts and stories and other ideas that pop into my head which have no other logical place to reside. I place them here for my own entertainment and am making no attempt to entertain, pursuade, or educate the public at large. Many of these ramblings will likely have no meaning to anybody but myself. Many are just wacky exctracts from emails that just struck me as humorous and I wanted to preserve them. I chose the term ramblings over musings as musings would imply a deep level of thought which is admittedly missing from this page.

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Current scientific mumbo jumbo suggests that IQ score is mostly a result of environmental factors rather than heredity. That is based on studies of biological twins that were raised in different economic conditions (there must be billions of those). A study of one such pair has one sibling being educated in the best private schools and an army of private tutors while the other was raised in a dark closet by parents that resembled giant hungry lizards. The first sibling scored an amazing 125 while the other pooped on the test and hid under the table.  The results were considered to be conclusive.

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My family hid my sister in the basement behind a heavy beamed wooden and thrice padlocked door. There was a small slot to feed her through. She would only eat things that were alive. Mostly cats and mice and bugs and whatever varmints we could find. She’d spit the bone fragments out the little slot. We suspected she had dug a hole through the concrete walls with her fingernails and teeth to escape at night after neighborhood children started disappearing but we were too frightened to open the door and look.

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In response to a "put our heads together" comment...

If we put all our heads together we would have a large pile of heads. While that would be impressive to some I think others may find it difficult to perform that way.

Thanks for evoking that image, I honestly had not thought of it, but I personally find the prospect of performing with a large pile of heads impressive enough to overcome the difficulty.

YAH, and we could light them on fire!!!

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In response to a time request...

Unfortunately I will be searching for a secret plateau in the jungles of Central South America for evidence of dinosaurs living today in a lost world overlooked by modern humanity; or possibly something not quite as exciting as that like visiting my parents. Sorry I won’t be available. _______________________________________________________________________________

Chickens, following the herd instinct, will figure skate in a tight formation but only when not being photographed.

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As the Swiss turn on their radically new and powerful super collider and generate an explosion of unparalleled consequence I will be standing in the mathematically perfect location to step into the new 3 dimensional space created in its wake where I will proceed to populate the new universe with human life.

I just really can't miss that.

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I will be taking an ocean going sea voyage searching for a mysterious giant Narwhal that has been troubling shipping in some important shipping trade routes. Some believe it could actually be a mechanism of marvelous cunning operated by a mad genius deposed tyrant and his remaining citizenry but I think it’s safe to say that is a little far fetched.

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In response to a what are you bringing to a party question...

We were thinking of bringing spitted Tibetan mountain yak seasoned with the rare Beletus Edulis mushroom only found deep within the South American rain forest and must be carefully prepared with the exact proportion of oil extracted from the livers of Black Dragon fish boiled at exactly 33.5 miles above sea level so as not to form a deadly poison. It should be presented ceremoniously with the mysterious palm dance of the south pacific paiou paiuo tribe. The dish is said to be best experienced when combined with Frosties from Wendys.

Response: Oh man...I had that last night!

It was either that or a can of spam and some free saltines snarfed from the cafeteria here at work.

Response: I thought Tibetan Mountain Yak season was over.

Luckily it is very cold in the mountains of Tibet so Yak carcasses can be obtained nearly year round so long as you don’t mind them being already partially devoured by the Snow leopards of the Tibetan Himalayan Plateau.

Response: I hope theres enough for seconds!

I'll save you the tail.
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I don't know why but Tibet seems to be on my mind today. This is a response to an email appologizing for not using a subject line on previous emails.

Not a problem. I was in a hypnotic trance learned from Tibetan monks when your message came and was able to clearly see the intent of your message. You were seeking spiritual enlightenment right? Maybe I better read it.
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An apology for backing out of a commitment.

I'm sorry for the inconvenience, unfortunately I will be taking part in a scientific experiment where Caudacious molecules extracted from the highly toxic mucous membranes of the notorious Notophthalmus Newt will be super heated and compressed into a solid mass which could be molded into nearly any form. The danger of altering the molecular structure to this extreme could be the creation of a giant lizard like monster who expresses its anger at being called from the void of nothingness by devouring entire cities. As I’m sure you are aware standard military weapons would be useless against such a goliath forcing us to create a female version of this monster in the hopes of coaxing it into a gargantuan space ship which could then be launched to mars were they could stomp around untroubled by us insect like human vermin infesting our earthly hive. So I will be busy.

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Of course now I'm on a Salamander kick.

In response to a what kind of people would be at an event question...

Salamander people with segmented eyes that can see 360 degrees and have long sticky tongues. Don’t tick them off man their saliva is toxic!

The reason you never see those human fly burglars who climb up the side of tall buildings is because the Salamander people ate them.
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A sorry I can't make it letter...

I will not be available next Thursday.

I will be working on a project to test a new technology that will project a multidimensional interactive holographic image of myself onto the surface of the theoretical 10th planet in our solar system. As I’m sure you know recent scientific discoveries estimate as many as 11 actual planets with the 11th being the mysterious planet X which has a very wide orbit making it previously undetectable but is believed to be on a collision course with both the planet earth and the sun causing a cataclysmic end to our solar system as we know it leaving nothing but dust and a bright dot in the sky for distant solar systems to observe. But I digress. I’m referring to the theoretical 10th planet following earth’s exact orbit only on the opposite side of the sun. In so doing I hope to discover new life existing there and will attempt to establish contact. Hopefully they will not view my attempts at contact as a threat as they will now have a direct inter-dimensional gateway in which to launch an attack that could threaten the existence of human life on this Earth.

That being said I just can’t see any way to squeeze in a couple hours that evening.
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Sorry I can't make it as I am joining an expedition to the Indian Ocean to find the mysterious fog hidden Skull island to bring back evidence of a legendary native god in the form of a giant ape. Legend has it the ape can be anesthetized with the juice of large red berries found on the same island. If that doesn't work the ape is a sucker for hot chicks. The ape is said to be enormously power with the ability to devistate entire cities. If found we will attempt to capture and transport it to some highly populated location where we can test the bounds of its strength by antagonizing the creature in front of a large crowd of foolish spectators. These spectators will be specially picked based on thier potential for freezing in place when frightened making them an easy meal or being flattened under a giant foot.

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Small Town News:

The small town of Perch Carcass is in shock this morning after local resident Dick Burns is arrested breeding cattle. "Now that just ain't right" one witness was reported as saying. "These durn things don't come with instructions ya know" Dick says in his defense.

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It is commonly believed by locals that Gene Poole wasn't born. He was spontaneously generated from dust, dog hair, and carpet particles spun at high speed and jolted with static electricity in the belly of an "Iron Devil" vacuum cleaner.

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Hugh Jass, believing himself to be the descendant of lizards is often seen hopping from one foot to the other in the traditional lizard dance of his ancestors. He can be intimidating staring at people from the side using one bulging eye. He wears a camouflage Speedo to complete the package but the most disturbing thing is what he does with his tongue which is far too grotesque to elaborate on here. (Shhhhh, he cleans his eye with it! Ewwwwwwwww!!!)

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Buster Cherry has been sitting patiently. The message says for a good time be here at 10. And it gives him time to think about what it really means, clowns, jugglers, a magician, maybe a balloon artist! He really hit the jackpot. Of all the stalls in the world he was lucky enough to walk into this one.

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Willie Leak usually offers the waitress an especially good tip if the meal comes with a massage. He is often confused by the uncomfortable silence that follows. He is totally serious.

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Jim Shorts takes the message in fortune cookies absolutely seriously. One time his message said "The one sitting across from you is the love of your life." It was his boss, a 350 pound man with absolutely no personality who until that moment he thought he hated. Jim was depressed for weeks.

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Doug Hole suffers from a rare illness. On the eve of the full moon he breaks into sweats, suffers muscle gyrations, rips his clothes off, crawls around on all fours, and howls into the night. Or maybe that’s the evening after payday.

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According to Ella Vader, ancient Roman records indicate the book of Fred was intentionally left out of the Bible as being "just too darn silly." Constantine was reported to have nearly laughed himself off the pooper when he read it.

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Ivan Oder buys vast amounts of rubber tubing from a local supplier. Nobody knows why.

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Sadly unsuccessful fashion designer Brooke Trout is injured demonstrating a running maneuver in her new one legged body sock. Brooke issues a statement to her endearing public: "Please don't send flowers....I'd rather have the cash."

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In an act of bravery and heroism Ray Gunn runs into a building and evacuates at least 30 residents. Unfortunately there wasn't even the slightest indication of danger. The local Fire Chief is quoted as saying "That was the craziest d@mn thing I've ever seen." Even more odd is the super hero costume Ray donned. Made from mostly cardboard with red tights it failed to be at all impressive. Yelling "Suuuuuuuuuuuuuper Ray, awaaaaaaaaaay!" he rides his super bicycle looking for more hapless victims to save.

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Sarah Bellum believes she is really an alien transmitter. Plugged into Google she is busy transmitting all earths knowledge into space. Lucky for us it will take decades for the aliens to find information that’s any use.

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Myles Long was born in New York California which causes much confusion as friends will often say "but I thought you wuz from California?" He was raised by his would be inventor father. Following in his dads footsteps Myles has a few inventions to his own credit including the "ice cream melter", "apartment dweller escape bungee", "Personal space odor barrier", the auto wedgie, and the ever popular "human feed bag" available in an assortment of fashionable colors.

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Sheila Bliges favorite sport is Whack a Mole. Every year she enters the Perch Carcass Whack a Mole competition by lying about her age claiming she's just tall, fat, hairy, and has a lot of tattoos for an 11 year old. She often makes the first round of the finals but has never made it farther than that. She is known for her hot temper and has been disqualified several times for hurling her mallet and injuring the frightened competition.

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The closest Pierre Le Pew has ever been to France is the posters hanging on his bed room wall which is located in a shed next to the barn on his ma and pa's highly isolated dairy farm.

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Walter Melon is often accused of eating like a Viking. His wife says she just can't bring him anywhere. Last time they went out to eat he was thrown in jail for grabbing the waitress while calling her a "wench" and proceeding to engage in a frenzy of food splattering and groping. The waitress is said to have recovered after a long shower, several hours of soap operas, and half a box of HoHo's. Walter however still eats like a Viking to this day but is forced to take his meals in the garage.

Bill Loney looks up to Walter and tries hard to emulate his eating habits but can't even fit a single turkey leg in his mouth. In a show of respect he refers to Walter as Spike and hops up and down excitedly and wets himself whenever he's around.

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Joe King thinks a large mouth bass is an ale made especially for him.

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Rowan Boatman likes to pick his nose. Say's "If God had wanted us to use Kleenex he wouldn't have given us fingers!" He's notorious around town for his unique talent of getting both index fingers in up to the second knuckle. He then dances around in a kilt singing the famous Scottish song "Rowan where's Your Trousers." in a strong Scottish brogue.

I just down from the Isle of Skye
I'm no very big but I'm awful shy
All the lassies shout as I walk by,
"Rowan, Where's Your Trousers?"

Let the wind blow high and the wind blow low
Through the streets in my kilt I go
All the lassies cry, "Hello!
Rowan, where's your trousers?"

I went to a fancy ball
It was slippery in the hall
I was afeared that I may fall
Because I nay had on trousers

I went down to London town
To have a little fun in the underground
All the Ladies turned their heads around, saying,
"Rowan, where's your trousers?"

The lassies love me every one
But they must catch me if they can
You canna put the breeks on a highland man, saying,
"Rowan, where's your trousers?"

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Dan Druff believed if he ran fast enough and jumped high enough he could ride the hood of cars passing by on the highway. This resulted in many injuries especially concussions and skull fractures but Dan was a tough kid and would just shake it off!

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Following in the footsteps of the late great Harry Houdini Candy Barr perfected the trick of escaping from work.

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Sue Flay has spent years perfecting the art of cleaning potato chip crumbs off her shirt with her tongue.

Inquiring "why not just shake them off" will earn you a very dirty look.

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Listening to the rain falling hard on the damaged automobile Patty looks out the window in time to see a structure in the distance illuminated by a flash of lightning. She buttons up her clown suit and opens the door. A sudden blast of icy wind tearing away her red rubber nose as she stubbornly steps out of her clown car with her over sized clown shoes into ankle deep water. Leaving her ten clown friends behind she sloshes her way forward into the dark.

Before long she realizes she has no choice but to drop the juggling pins, cannon ball, Five decks of stacked playing cards, weighted dice, four foot long plastic hot dog, fake hand, rubber chicken, stilts, whoopee cushion, and three foot tall tooth brush. But nothing saddens her more than releasing the seals and pigeons and mice that had for the last eight years called her clown pants home.

Water running out of her bright orange plume of clown hair obscures her vision until she realizes it's just another one of her gags and turns it off. The wind is howling like poodles and she is drenched but keeps moving. It would be pointless now to return to the relative safety of her colorfully painted Love Bug defeated and worn out.

She can now more clearly see the building she is heading for. It is large and ominous looking in the dark. She can see the warm glow of orange light. Then to her horror she realizes where she is...McDonalds. In the strangest possible turn of events, after years of struggling to make her own way in the world, super clown Patty Melt McDonald returns home.

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Dan Gere talks to plants because he believes they are people too.

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In a sudden fit of matronly instinct Olivia Lump changed her child’s Diapers. With a look of horror on her face she exclaimed "I'll never do that again!"

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Melody knows even though she was asked for an encore, singing "Tip Toe Through The Tulips" in a subway restroom stall doesn't count as a gig. But she brags about it anyway.

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Tom Tom tried cow tipping but they just didn't seem to want the money. He didn't mind as that was the cheapest date he's had since the circus was in town.

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Ima Pig has a very impressive Mary Isabel Catherine Bernadette O'Brien record collection but she doesn't listen to it. She just likes the pictures.

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Jerry Nipples is the ring leader of Perch Carcass's most famous back yard poodle circus. His poodles have been known to jump through hoops and even stand on their hind legs. And rarely do they ever doo doo during a performance. His circus suffered from financial problems until he started feeding his poodles to hungry crocodiles and giant snakes. Now he plays to a packed house.

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Iona Fingerpuppet is a not so successful fashion designer. Her latest creation...The cow bikini and of course...The Speedo for bulls. Her biggest setback came when she was gored while taking measurements.

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Earl E Day can't wait to get home each day so he can put on his video compilation of feminine hygiene commercials.

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Stinky Fishbate was removed from the wrestling team for excessive scratching.

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Robyn Banks likes to pose nude for the college art class. Only they didn't invite her. Being dragged off in cuffs by the campus police is all part of the ride.

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TB often dreams of pearl diving as he sits in his tub. He will submerge himself to see how long he can stay under. And he never ever rises quicker than his bubbles.

One time his wife walked in on him as he was holding his breath an especially long time. She was collecting on his life insurance when he came up for air.

He fondly remembers the time he thought he actually found a pearl, in his belly button. No luck, just a compressed ball of lint. He still has it. Never can tell when you're gonna need sumthin' like that.

It's in his stash of valuables along with a couple bottle caps, some string, a picture of Sandra Burnhard, a hardened ball of soap scum and used shaving cream, a dead rodent of some sort, and chewing gum. Ifn ya can't chew on it, it ain't worth keepin!

He likes to wear flippers around the house. Says it makes him feel like he is really there. Nobody knows what the heck he is talkin' about....but he knows. "Someday Ariel, you'll be mine! You hot little salmon! I'm just waiting for you to swim up my stream baby. It's spawning season, YAH!"