Other
Scratch Pad
Ramblings:
This page is dedicated to various odd thoughts and stories and other ideas that pop into my head which have no other logical place to reside. I place them here for my own entertainment and am making no attempt to entertain, pursuade, or educate the public at large. Many of these ramblings will likely have no meaning to anybody but myself. Many are just wacky exctracts from emails that just struck me as humorous and I wanted to preserve them. I chose the term ramblings over musings as musings would imply a deep level of thought which is admittedly missing from this page.
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Current scientific mumbo jumbo suggests that IQ score is mostly a result of environmental factors rather than heredity. That is based on studies of biological twins that were raised in different economic conditions (there must be billions of those). A study of one such pair has one sibling being educated in the best private schools and an army of private tutors while the other was raised in a dark closet by parents that resembled giant hungry lizards. The first sibling scored an amazing 125 while the other pooped on the test and hid under the table. _______________________________________________________________________________
My family hid my sister in the basement behind a heavy beamed wooden and thrice padlocked door. There was a small slot to feed her through. She would only eat things that were alive. Mostly cats and mice and bugs and whatever varmints we could find. She’d spit the bone fragments out the little slot. We suspected she had dug a hole through the concrete walls with her fingernails and teeth to escape at night after neighborhood children started disappearing but we were too frightened to open the door and look.
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In response to a "put our heads together" comment...
If we put all our heads together we would have a large pile of heads. While that would be impressive to some I think others may find it difficult to perform that way.
Thanks for evoking that image, I honestly had not thought of it, but I personally find the prospect of performing with a large pile of heads impressive enough to overcome the difficulty.
YAH, and we could light them on fire!!!
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In response to a time request...
Unfortunately I will be searching for a secret plateau in the jungles of Central South America for evidence of dinosaurs living today in a lost world overlooked by modern humanity; or possibly something not quite as exciting as that like visiting my parents. Sorry I wont be available. _______________________________________________________________________________
Chickens, following the herd instinct, will figure skate in a tight formation but only when not being photographed. _______________________________________________________________________________
As the Swiss turn on their radically new and powerful super collider and generate an explosion of unparalleled consequence I will be standing in the mathematically perfect location to step into the new 3 dimensional space created in its wake where I will proceed to populate the new universe with human life. _______________________________________________________________________________
I will be taking an ocean going sea voyage searching for a mysterious giant Narwhal that has been troubling shipping in some important shipping trade routes. Some believe it could actually be a mechanism of marvelous cunning operated by a mad genius deposed tyrant and his remaining citizenry but I think it’s safe to say that is a little far fetched. _______________________________________________________________________________
In response to a what are you bringing to a party question...
We were thinking of bringing spitted Tibetan mountain yak seasoned with the rare Beletus Edulis mushroom only found deep within the South American rain forest and must be carefully prepared with the exact proportion of oil extracted from the livers of Black Dragon fish boiled at exactly 33.5 miles above sea level so as not to form a deadly poison. It should be presented ceremoniously with the mysterious palm dance of the south pacific paiou paiuo tribe. The dish is said to be best experienced when combined with Frosties from Wendys.
Response: Oh man...I had that last night!
It was either that or a can of spam and some free saltines snarfed from the cafeteria here at work.
Response: I thought Tibetan Mountain Yak season was over.
Luckily it is very cold in the mountains of Tibet so Yak carcasses can be obtained nearly year round so long as you don’t mind them being already partially devoured by the Snow leopards of the Tibetan Himalayan Plateau.
Response: I hope theres enough for seconds!
I'll save you the tail. _______________________________________________________________________________
I don't know why but Tibet seems to be on my mind today. This is a response to an email appologizing for not using a subject line on previous emails.
Not a problem. I was in a hypnotic trance learned from Tibetan monks when your message came and was able to clearly see the intent of your message. You were seeking spiritual enlightenment right? Maybe I better read it. _______________________________________________________________________________
An apology for backing out of a commitment. I'm sorry for the inconvenience, unfortunately I will be taking part in a scientific experiment where Caudacious molecules extracted from the highly toxic mucous membranes of the notorious Notophthalmus Newt will be super heated and compressed into a solid mass which could be molded into nearly any form. The danger of altering the molecular structure to this extreme could be the creation of a giant lizard like monster who expresses its anger at being called from the void of nothingness by devouring entire cities. As Im sure you are aware standard military weapons would be useless against such a goliath forcing us to create a female version of this monster in the hopes of coaxing it into a gargantuan space ship which could then be launched to mars were they could stomp around untroubled by us insect like human vermin infesting our earthly hive. So I will be busy. _______________________________________________________________________________
Of course now I'm on a Salamander kick. In response to a what kind of people would be at an event question... Salamander people with segmented eyes that can see 360 degrees and have long sticky tongues. Don’t tick them off man their saliva is toxic! The reason you never see those human fly burglars who climb up the side of tall buildings is because the Salamander people ate them. _______________________________________________________________________________
A sorry I can't make it letter... I will not be available next Thursday. I will be working on a project to test a new technology that will project a multidimensional interactive holographic image of myself onto the surface of the theoretical 10th planet in our solar system. As I’m sure you know recent scientific discoveries estimate as many as 11 actual planets with the 11th being the mysterious planet X which has a very wide orbit making it previously undetectable but is believed to be on a collision course with both the planet earth and the sun causing a cataclysmic end to our solar system as we know it leaving nothing but dust and a bright dot in the sky for distant solar systems to observe. But I digress. Im referring to the theoretical 10th planet following earth’s exact orbit only on the opposite side of the sun. In so doing I hope to discover new life existing there and will attempt to establish contact. Hopefully they will not view my attempts at contact as a threat as they will now have a direct inter-dimensional gateway in which to launch an attack that could threaten the existence of human life on this Earth. That being said I just cant see any way to squeeze in a couple hours that evening. _______________________________________________________________________________
Sorry I can't make it as I am joining an expedition to the Indian Ocean to find the mysterious fog hidden Skull island to bring back evidence of a legendary native god in the form of a giant ape. Legend has it the ape can be anesthetized with the juice of large red berries found on the same island. If that doesn't work the ape is a sucker for hot chicks. The ape is said to be enormously power with the ability to devistate entire cities. If found we will attempt to capture and transport it to some highly populated location where we can test the bounds of its strength by antagonizing the creature in front of a large crowd of foolish spectators. These spectators will be specially picked based on thier potential for freezing in place when frightened making them an easy meal or being flattened under a giant foot. _______________________________________________________________________________
Small Town News: The small town of Perch Carcass is in shock this morning after local resident Dick Burns is arrested breeding cattle. "Now that just ain't right" one witness was reported as saying. "These durn things don't come with instructions ya know" Dick says in his defense. _______________________________________________________________________________
It is commonly believed by locals that Gene Poole wasn't born. He was spontaneously generated from dust, dog hair, and carpet particles spun at high speed and jolted with static electricity in the belly of an "Iron Devil" vacuum cleaner. _______________________________________________________________________________
Hugh Jass, believing himself to be the descendant of lizards is often seen hopping from one foot to the other in the traditional lizard dance of his ancestors. He can be intimidating staring at people from the side using one bulging eye. He wears a camouflage Speedo to complete the package but the most disturbing thing is what he does with his tongue which is far too grotesque to elaborate on here. (Shhhhh, he cleans his eye with it! Ewwwwwwwww!!!) _______________________________________________________________________________
Buster Cherry has been sitting patiently. The message says for a good time be here at 10. And it gives him time to think about what it really means, clowns, jugglers, a magician, maybe a balloon artist! He really hit the jackpot. Of all the stalls in the world he was lucky enough to walk into this one. _______________________________________________________________________________
Willie Leak usually offers the waitress an especially good tip if the meal comes with a massage. He is often confused by the uncomfortable silence that follows. He is totally serious. _______________________________________________________________________________
Jim Shorts takes the message in fortune cookies absolutely seriously. One time his message said "The one sitting across from you is the love of your life." It was his boss, a 350 pound man with absolutely no personality who until that moment he thought he hated. Jim was depressed for weeks. _______________________________________________________________________________
Doug Hole suffers from a rare illness. On the eve of the full moon he breaks into sweats, suffers muscle gyrations, rips his clothes off, crawls around on all fours, and howls into the night. Or maybe thats the evening after payday. _______________________________________________________________________________
According to Ella Vader, ancient Roman records indicate the book of Fred was intentionally left out of the Bible as being "just too darn silly." Constantine was reported to have nearly laughed himself off the pooper when he read it. _______________________________________________________________________________
Ivan Oder buys vast amounts of rubber tubing from a local supplier. Nobody knows why. _______________________________________________________________________________
Sadly unsuccessful fashion designer Brooke Trout is injured demonstrating a running maneuver in her new one legged body sock. Brooke issues a statement to her endearing public: "Please don't send flowers....I'd rather have the cash. _______________________________________________________________________________
In an act of bravery and heroism Ray Gunn runs into a building and evacuates at least 30 residents. Unfortunately there wasn't even the slightest indication of danger. The local Fire Chief is quoted as saying "That was the craziest d@mn thing I've ever seen." Even more odd is the super hero costume Ray donned. Made from mostly cardboard with red tights it failed to be at all impressive. Yelling "Suuuuuuuuuuuuuper Ray, awaaaaaaaaaay!" he rides his super bicycle looking for more hapless victims to save. _______________________________________________________________________________
Sarah Bellum believes she is really an alien transmitter. Plugged into Google she is busy transmitting all earths knowledge into space. Lucky for us it will take decades for the aliens to find information that’s any use. _______________________________________________________________________________
Myles Long was born in New York California which causes much confusion as friends will often say "but I thought you wuz from California?" He was raised by his would be inventor father. Following in his dads footsteps Myles has a few inventions to his own credit including the "ice cream melter", "apartment dweller escape bungee", "Personal space odor barrier", the auto wedgie, and the ever popular "human feed bag" available in an assortment of fashionable colors. _______________________________________________________________________________
Sheila Bliges favorite sport is Whack a Mole. Every year she enters the Perch Carcass Whack a Mole competition by lying about her age claiming she's just tall, fat, hairy, and has a lot of tattoos for an 11 year old. She often makes the first round of the finals but has never made it farther than that. She is known for her hot temper and has been disqualified several times for hurling her mallet and injuring the frightened competition. _______________________________________________________________________________
The closest Pierre Le Pew has ever been to France is the posters hanging on his bed room wall which is located in a shed next to the barn on his ma and pa's highly isolated dairy farm. _______________________________________________________________________________
Walter Melon is often accused of eating like a Viking. His wife says she just can't bring him anywhere. Last time they went out to eat he was thrown in jail for grabbing the waitress while calling her a "wench" and proceeding to engage in a frenzy of food splattering and groping. The waitress is said to have recovered after a long shower, several hours of soap operas, and half a box of HoHo's. Walter however still eats like a Viking to this day but is forced to take his meals in the garage. _______________________________________________________________________________
Bill Loney looks up to Walter and tries hard to emulate his eating habits but can't even fit a single turkey leg in his mouth. In a show of respect he refers to Walter as Spike and hops up and down excitedly and wets himself whenever he's around. _______________________________________________________________________________
Joe King thinks a large mouth bass is an ale made especially for him. _______________________________________________________________________________
Rowan Boatman likes to pick his nose. Say's "If God had wanted us to use Kleenex he wouldn't have given us fingers!" He's notorious around town for his unique talent of getting both index fingers in up to the second knuckle. He then dances around in a kilt singing the famous Scottish song Rowan where's Your Trousers in a strong Scottish brogue:
I just down from the Isle of Skye
I'm no very big but I'm awful shy
All the lassies shout as I walk by,
Rowan, Where's Your Trousers?"
Let the wind blow high and the wind blow low
Through the streets in my kilt I go
All the lassies cry, "Hello!
Rowan, where's your trousers?"
I went to a fancy ball
I was afeared that I may fall
Because I nay had on trousers
I went down to London town
To have a little fun in the underground
All the Ladies turned their heads around, saying,
Rowan, where's your trousers?"
The lassies love me every one
But they must catch me if they can
You canna put the breeks on a highland man, saying,
Rowan, where's your trousers?"
_______________________________________________________________________________Dan Druff believed if he ran fast enough and jumped high enough he could ride the hood of cars passing by on the highway. This resulted in many injuries especially concussions and skull fractures but Dan was a tough kid and would just shake it off! _______________________________________________________________________________
Following in the footsteps of the late great Harry Houdini Candy Barr perfected the trick of escaping from work. _______________________________________________________________________________
Sue Flay has spent years perfecting the art of cleaning potato chip crumbs off her shirt with her tongue. _______________________________________________________________________________
Inquiring "why not just shake them off" will earn you a very dirty look. _______________________________________________________________________________
Listening to the rain falling hard on the damaged automobile Patty looks out the window in time to see a structure in the distance illuminated by a flash of lightning. She buttons up her clown suit and opens the door. A sudden blast of icy wind tearing away her red rubber nose as she stubbornly steps out of her clown car with her over sized clown shoes into ankle deep water. Leaving her ten clown friends behind she sloshes her way forward into the dark. _______________________________________________________________________________
Before long she realizes she has no choice but to drop the juggling pins, cannon ball, Five decks of stacked playing cards, weighted dice, four foot long plastic hot dog, fake hand, rubber chicken, stilts, whoopee cushion, and three foot tall tooth brush. But nothing saddens her more than releasing the seals and pigeons and mice that had for the last eight years called her clown pants home. _______________________________________________________________________________
Water running out of her bright orange plume of clown hair obscures her vision until she realizes it's just another one of her gags and turns it off. The wind is howling like poodles and she is drenched but keeps moving. It would be pointless now to return to the relative safety of her colorfully painted Love Bug defeated and worn out. _______________________________________________________________________________
She can now more clearly see the building she is heading for. It is large and ominous looking in the dark. She can see the warm glow of orange light. Then to her horror she realizes where she is...McDonalds. In the strangest possible turn of events, after years of struggling to make her own way in the world, super clown Patty Melt McDonald returns home. _______________________________________________________________________________
In a sudden fit of matronly instinct Olivia Lump changed her childs Diapers. With a look of horror on her face she exclaimed "I'll never do that again!" _______________________________________________________________________________
Melody knows even though she was asked for an encore, singing "Tip Toe Through The Tulips" in a subway restroom stall doesn't count as a gig. But she brags about it anyway. _______________________________________________________________________________
Tom Tom tried cow tipping but they just didn't seem to want the money. He didn't mind as that was the cheapest date he's had since the circus was in town _______________________________________________________________________________
Ima Pig has a very impressive Mary Isabel Catherine Bernadette O'Brien record collection but she doesn't listen to it. She just likes the pictures. _______________________________________________________________________________
Jerry Nipples is the ring leader of Perch Carcass's most famous back yard poodle circus. His poodles have been known to jump through hoops and even stand on their hind legs. And rarely do they ever doo doo during a performance. His circus suffered from financial problems until he started feeding his poodles to hungry crocodiles and giant snakes. Now he plays to a packed house. _______________________________________________________________________________
Iona Fingerpuppet is a not so successful fashion designer. Her latest creation...The cow bikini and of course...The Speedo for bulls. Her biggest setback came when she was gored while taking measurements. _______________________________________________________________________________
Earl E Day can't wait to get home each day so he can put on his video compilation of feminine hygiene commercials. _______________________________________________________________________________
Stinky Fishbate was removed from the wrestling team for excessive scratching. _______________________________________________________________________________
Robyn Banks likes to pose nude for the college art class. Only they didn't invite her. Being dragged off in cuffs by the campus police is all part of the ride. _______________________________________________________________________________
Redd Tukkas has a brilliant idea. He is going to heat his home on nothing but personally produced methane. First he will store the methane in empty milk jugs. He will then store these milk jugs in his garage. Then he will feed the gas into his heater through a special device he devised himself out of duct tape called the "GASket". He likes to demonstrate the storage process to guests which is usually the last time he ever sees them. Obviously they cannot see the enourmous benefit his invention will have to mankind. That and it's kind of scary when he squats on a jug and says "pull my finger. But they do take him seriously and usually run away as he is explaining the potenial explosive qualities of his gas. Unfortuantely his experiment is not working. He can't seem to produce a high enough concentration of gas to light the pilot. And his house smells really bad. Einstein didn't invent the light bulb on his first try either. _______________________________________________________________________________
Kerry Wate often dreams of pearl diving as he sits in his tub. He will submerge himself to see how long he can stay under. And he never ever rises quicker than his bubbles. One time his wife walked in on him as he was holding his breath an especially long time. She was collecting on his life insurance when he came up for air. He fondly remembers the time he thought he actually found a pearl, in his belly button. No luck, just a compressed ball of lint. He still has it. Never can tell when you're gonna need sumthin' like that. It's in his stash of valuables along with a couple bottle caps, some string, a picture of Sandra Burnhard, a hardened ball of soap scum and used shaving cream, a dead rodent of some sort, and chewing gum. Ifn ya can't chew on it, it ain't worth keepin! He likes to wear flippers around the house. Says it makes him feel like he is really there. Nobody knows what the heck he is talkin' about....but he knows. "Someday Ariel, you'll be mine! You hot little salmon! I'm just waiting for you to swim up my stream baby. It's spawning season, YAH! _______________________________________________________________________________
Stan R Deviation learned he had a unique skill while he was still very young. He could clench his butt cheeks like a steel vise. He used to scare the other children hanging from the monkey bars by his dairy-air while swing his arms and legs about wildly and yelling "I'm a jelly fish. I'm a jelly fish! He decided he needed to use this talent for the good of mankind. His initial efforts at crime fighting didn't work out so well. He found as tough as his butt was it wasn't knife proof. He has since found his place in life with the circus amazing stunned audiences by performing such tricks as opening bottles of pop, swinging from a trapeze, and smothering the ape woman using nothing more than his back side and a little sure grip. _______________________________________________________________________________
Being somewhat naturally sedate but realizing he needed to get some exercise Ben Gals developed the worlds first exercise routine dedicated to the tongue. An unintended consequence of this was he developed an uncontrollable tongue and face twitch. This has made him rather unpopular at parties as all the girls think he's crudely coming on to them and he's been punched in the face by angry boyfriends more than a couple times. One thing has lead to another and now he's in the process of developing the worlds first tongue based marshal art. Its a fairly pacifist style though. It grosses ones opponent out and generates reactions like "get that d@mn thing away from me! _______________________________________________________________________________
Paul Bearer earns cigarettes carving shanks out of soap for the other inmates. One time he dropped a bar. Ten inmates died in the stampede. _______________________________________________________________________________
Whenever Tom Toe is really angry he sucks his tummy in with all his strength believing he will implode creating a singularity and thusly destroying the earth. It hasn't worked yet but he's confident one day it will and he'll show us! He'll show us all and that will be the last time anybody laughs at him and his salamander! _______________________________________________________________________________
When Al Abi heard those inspirational words "Go west young man..." he did, about five feet. That’s about as far as he can go without parole. _______________________________________________________________________________
Whenever Dan Sing stays at a hotel he always denies the exorbitant video charges at checkout but is never short change for the magic fingers. _______________________________________________________________________________
Ed Ible prefers his burgers with no meat, no bun, no cheese, no pickle, no onion, no tomato, no special sauce but he'll take a double helping of the drive through girl! _______________________________________________________________________________
Always wanting to be the first, Frank Admission married his I-wife in a ceremony that included his hampster as best man and a reporter from Perch Carcass Magazine to record the event. _______________________________________________________________________________
In a turn of events that disappointed pimply faced geeks everywhere his marriage was invalidated due to lack of a proper marriage license. Unfortunately for Frank he also found out he is not the first person from Perch Carcass to have lost his mind. _______________________________________________________________________________
Due to an embarrassing childhood Barbie doll incident Gerry Mandering has little use of his arms which makes scratching a difficult proposition. Close friends and family call it the monkey dance. Barbies head has never been recovered. Gerry refuses to say what happened. _______________________________________________________________________________
Harry Forehead is creator of the triple decker hot dog bun. He hasn't sold any yet but just knows they're going to catch on some day. _______________________________________________________________________________
In a strange twist of fate Mark Wrong finds he now lies to the police far more than he lies to girls. _______________________________________________________________________________
Willy Makeit is almost famous in Perch Carcass for his Manatee Rodeo where he dons a cowboy hat and speedo and attempts to ride a Manatee around a swimming pool. The biggest problem he faces is the naturally slow pace of the Manatee where you almost need time lapse photography to see movement. _______________________________________________________________________________
Annie Body was fired from Willys manatee rodeo for constantly trying to upstage Walrus Fred. Willy just couldn't stand to see the Walrus cry. _______________________________________________________________________________
Terry Dactle loves Manatees...with Farver beans and a nice bottle of Chianti. _______________________________________________________________________________
Louden Clear considers himself to be a member of the Perch Carcass royal family and guards his throne with a broad sword and aggressive bowel action. _______________________________________________________________________________
Mike Raffone likes dressing up as Manatee Bob to entertain children. He sometimes wears a little red cowboy hat, a bandana, and a pair of six shooters too although shotguns, bowie knives, and pipe bombs aren't out of the question either. He's been arrested in the school yard on numerous occasions trying just a little too hard as children fled in terror. "Come back children!" "Manatees are herbavores!" "Little B@stards!" Why oh why is he is so misunderstood. Remember Manatee Bobs favorite catch phrases.... "Belch, burp, uh oh I think I'm going to throw up." and... "Where did my d@mn cigar go?" and... "Hey kid you ever see a grown Manatee bazooka barf?" and... "You find me a straight line osifer and I walk it for ya!" and... "Whats your problem?" "You never seen a Manatee hike his breeches down and wiz on a tree before?" and... "You think this looks dumb you should see Walrus Fred in his speedo tryin to ride me around the school yard!" _______________________________________________________________________________
Phil Graves is so confused over being arrested. He told the officer the only reason he had that stocking over his head at the convenience store was to make people laugh. Apparently they didn't get his desperate manatee with a habit to support imitation. _______________________________________________________________________________
Hugh DeMann is attracted to women that resemble manatees and apparently they are not hard to find as he now sports his own herd. _______________________________________________________________________________
Even though they are one and the same person Walrus Bob and Manatee Bob are fierce competitors in the realm of children’s nightmares. _______________________________________________________________________________
Rick O’Shea considers himself one of the great urban wild game hunters and has Manatee Bob high on his list. Just after Racoon Larry and his ex, snake girl. _______________________________________________________________________________